Minnesotans are going to vote in November 2012 about whether the Constitution should be amended to define marriage as between one man and one woman. I wrote a letter to the editor opposing the constitutional amendment, and it appeared in the Saturday edition of the Northfield News. Ian and I were both worried about the letter to the editor in a way that we never would have been in Minneapolis. Some people who are acquainted with Northfield, an artsy college town, might not believe this, but we did not see a single sign advertising the Democratic candidate for governor last fall until we visited Minneapolis. And where we live, out in the country, the signs for the Republican candidate were very plentiful. The people that we depend on and care about here are, in some ways, a much less homogeneous group that they were in the cities.
People hold you accountable here in a way that I never did in the city. When I have written things for the paper before, I have heard about it all over town – literally. Whether I have been teaching the fitness class or shopping for groceries, people talk to me about it. And the same people who show up in one context generally are part of my life in other, unrelated contexts as well. A dear lady in one of my Zumba classes was the same one who bought me water when I was pregnant and nauseated during the spaghetti dinner at the children's youth group. The guy who came to fix our water softener goes to church with a farmer who rents our land. A friend whose children came over to play at our house last weekend appeared as a substitute playground aide at the kids' school.
We depend heavily on people that do not agree with us about everything. Last winter, when my first-grade son's teacher unexpectedly made him ride home on the bus instead of going with the youth group, he came home to find nobody here. The temperature was well below zero, and his fingers got so cold fumbling with the key that he had no hope of opening the door. There were two houses within a quarter of a mile walk of our house, and he found loving help at the first home. Last week, because I cannot lift things, Ian relied on that same neighbor to help put the topper on his truck so he could take the chickens and processing. If a menacing animal showed up here, and I could not handle the situation myself, I would call the neighbors. Ian has helped a neighbor in that way already because there is no animal control out here.
Pretty soon, we will be going to the township board to ask if we can build a barn for our chickens, and some of the people there have certainly heard about us from our neighbors and maybe have made the connection between my family and the letters and essays I've written for the paper. Everyone on the board undoubtedly has opinions about us based on what they have carefully observed about our house and land as they have driven past. Another farmer, who wants to build some of these barns in a different township, is apparently unable to build right now because an influential member of the board does not approve of the way he went about asking for permission. In some ways, I don't know where we stand here, and I want so much to fit in.
However, if I never give people a chance to know me, then I have no chance of fitting in. If I assume I know what people think, then I will never know them. If I fail to do what I understand to be right because I am afraid of what other people think, then my failure comes from a lack of love. I do not want to fail because of that.
This is what the letter to the editor said:
A large Quaker meeting in St. Paul, which has been performing gay marriages since 1986, has decided it will no longer offer legal marriage ceremonies to straight couples because it cannot provide legal marriage ceremonies to gay couples. It will continue to offer marriage ceremonies and spiritual support for both gay and straight couples, as well as to care for the marriages of its members. It will offer to help straight couples legalize their marriages through the court system, but will not legalize their marriages itself. My Quaker meeting in Northfield was asked to respond to the St Paul Quaker meeting’s decision, and it is still considering the request.
My first reaction to the policy was fear and anger. I believe that marriage is holy, and especially in today's culture, it can use as much support as it can possibly get. I have been blessed with a marriage that has helped me to heal, to learn, and to serve. I could not imagine how it would be helpful to withhold any kind of support or benefit from couples who are taking up the sacred job of marriage.
Then I spent a great deal of time considering the situation. I have listened very attentively to many gay and lesbian friends over the course of many years, and in their marriages (which are recognized by my religious community) I see the same struggles and gifts that I have understood to be the work of God in my own marriage. I have prayed for these friends as they help each other grow and sometimes struggle to stay together. I have admired their parenting and have been deeply touched by the focused love that I have witnessed between them. I have seen in them a solidity and commitment that can serve as the foundation of a strong community. By listening to and watching some of these friends carefully over the course of many years, I have learned how to be better partner in my own marriage.
As it is becoming clear that the citizens of Minnesota will likely vote on a state constitutional amendment that would ban gay marriage, my friends have expressed a grief and sense of loneliness that makes my heart sore. Their feelings make this issue real to me in a way that it somehow was not before, and I find myself feeling peaceful with the decision of the Quaker meeting that has suspended all legal marriages. The sadness and inequality surrounding the lack of legal recognition of gay marriage feels like a heavy weight to me. I wish it could be lifted, and I wish we could all rejoice at its lifting.
That is a good and gentle letter, and I suspect that, even if most people in your area don’t agree with you, nearly all of those who disagree will at least remain friendly.
ReplyDeleteI personally like the closeness and accountability in rural areas very much. I agree with you, it requires an extra effort of each person, in order to make the relationships worthwhile. But the extra effort almost always pays off.
I find it helps, in expressing my own opinions in such places, to frame them within comments about how much I care for my neighbors, and how much I want the town to be healthy, etc.
Elizabeth,
ReplyDeleteThanks for taking the time to write not only the letter itself but also this blogpost and all the surrounding context that impacted you as you wrote it and as you have been interacting with neighbors and community members since it was printed.
It helps heal my soul and bring the Light of God a bit more fully into my heart, to know that my partner-spouse and I are seen, validated, and cherished--as well as deserving of the rights, privileges, and responsibilities that our heterosexual peers (too often?) take for granted.
Part of our visible love and commitment to each other comes from the fact that GLBT partners/spouses have to be that much more intentional when we marry, realizing how our relationship--our love, care, and commitment--isn't protected in the way that heterosexual marriages are.
Blessings,
Liz, The Good Raised Up
P.S. Equality is coming, sooner or later. I'm working for sooner.
Elizabeth, I really love your letter, and appreciate how you show your heart's transformation about this amendment. Thank you for writing it.
ReplyDeleteWhat an eloquently written, heartfelt and thoughtful letter you've submitted. As a lesbian Friend, I am grateful for your respect, validation and care to consider various dynamics to the issue, and then in your conclusion - in a manner of fairness, equality, harmony, and recognition of God's ability to work within and throughout all of us. What an awesome gift. I live in the Pacific Northwest now, but am from MN, as is my partner. We've been legally joined here in OR as a domestic partnership, but we have both grieved with our loved ones in MN as they now work to break apart misconceptions and hurtful rhetoric as they prepare to vote on this issue next year. We wish that our friends had the ability to have legal recognition of living their relationships that we do. Thanks again, so much, for your words and your heart, and hopefully, we will all see a day when love can be lived in an open way - in a healthy, edifying way that reflects God's love working within all of us, regardless of sexual orientation.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! discussion about it is so important, especially facing it now in Minnesota, everything counts! And this clearly had a large influential impact!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, Elizabeth! I'm so glad I finally had a chance to read this post (and the one following it, on June 14th, about the man carrying water--what a fascinating thing to learn about!).
ReplyDeleteThank you for voicing something that many other heterosexuals, like myself, feel about this issue. I, too, have admired the marriages of the gay and lesbian couples I have known, even when they (like SO many heterosexual marriages, of course), have not stayed together "till death."
Also, it's a joy to me to see how you bring in the closeness and good-heartedness you share with your neighbors (and they with you), who may not always agree with all your viewpoints (and, perhaps, this letter of yours, in particular). It's so good to give the public an example of being able to voice your feelings, concerns, and thoughts about a controversial issue without making it into a weapon to use against those who may see it differently (and, in so doing, hopefully help those "on the other side" of the issue who also don't want to engage in divisive speech)--while still, of course, voicing a view that you hold honestly though it may not be popular with many people.
Very from-the-heart. Thank you, thank you.